Last night I got together with a few friends at a local hotspot for happy hour. Another friend had 'put a bug in my ear' that we should get together for a happy hour and I had immediately set about organizing it, including a lighthearted casual posting on my Facebook page about "all women welcome". I had 3 of my friends show up.Very diverse ladies. One is a lead administrator at a Montessori school, one a cafeteria worker and the other an odd jobs /freelance marketing type. Myself,a human services worker.
I consider myself to have highly developed social and facilitation skills so despite the fact the other 3 ladies had never met each other before, I thought the integration was going well. The fact that we were drinking cocktails no doubt eased the introductions and conversation.
Things appeared to be going well when something very bizarre happened.
About an hour into the merrymaking, a woman appeared at the table asking if any of were Eden Prairie alumni. I said yes, she asked what years and we told her. She introduced herself. She was a woman I'd barely been acquainted with in high school. I recall her as being borderline intelligent, one of the people at the high school who were considered 'undesirable' by the typical mean girl social standing. She said she'd run into another alumni earlier in the day who'd been planning on joining us but couldn't due to a work commitment. The other woman had told her we were meeting and encouraged her to join us.
There was an awkward silence as two of my friends weren't from Eden Prairie and the other is not known for her like of female companions in general, the fact that that friend had shown up at all was in itself surprising.
After a few seconds of shocked silence, I warmly offered this new woman a chair and began chatting with her to make her feel welcome and at ease. Perhaps due to my background in mental health work and innate ability to sense energy and patterns, I deduced immediately she was severely mentally ill.
Her thoughts were disorganized, she raced from topic to topic barely stopping to catch a breath. This was more than nervousness. She rapidly dumped out her life story to me, she lived in an apartment in a neighboring town, her children did not speak to her ( I imagine this to be especially painful at Christmas-time), she was unemployed and considering trying to get a certified nursing assistants' license,etc. Being as she had just joined the group and was seated next to me, I took on the burden of talking with her to 'get her up to speed' and integrate her into the group at the table. To my disappointment, the other Eden Prairie gal was obviously rolling her eyes and making barely audible snarky remarks about this newcomer to the women seated at her side. The administrator, who herself has a special needs child, to my amazement,seemed to be following along with it all. I felt that sickening crunch in my gut as I realized these two were acting like classic 'mean girls', like they'd been transported to high school days where girls lurked in packs by the lockers, making fun of anyone who was at all different from themselves.
I considered my options and felt I had none other than to continue chatting with the newcomer until she felt at ease. I thought what courage, maybe foolhardiness, it took for her to come into an upscale restaurant/bar to meet with people she barely knew and some she didn't. From our conversation, it was clear she didn't remember who I was. She kept saying "where were you, you moved in 8th grade" (nope), "some people weren't very nice to you in high school" (probably true, but that happens to everyone in high school and isn't my primary recollection of my time spent there). I told her perhaps she had me confused with someone else as my hair was blonde back then. I didn't color my hair dark til I was 45. She insisted she knew me and I quit trying to dissuade her.
My cafeteria worker friend is a more compassionate type due to , perhaps, struggles in her own life and was gracious enough but the other two continued their quiet mockery. All of a sudden they appeared as people I didn't really know, it was as though I was seeing them for the first time and not liking what was there. Finally, the marketing woman got up and excused herself to leave. The administrator took her leave shortly after. Our little get together had died rather abruptly after the newcomer arrived on the scene. After perhaps another 15 minutes, my friend and I decided to call it quits. I thanked the newcomer for joining us, paid for her drink, and took her phone number which she offered, and gave her mine.
As I walked to the car, I pondered her situation. She had taken a chance, reached out to others in hope and trust. Two of us rose to the occasion, 2 fell. Maybe thats why I am drawn to human service work. Its not in my DNA to not stand up for the underdog. Maybe it springs from a deep seated well in my own subconscious from being raised in a home where conformity was King, emotionalism was punished and kindness towards lesser beings scorned. My mother has a kind heart and a deeply rooted sense of right and wrong which she parlayed into a variety of magnanimous pursuits within the community. Unfortunately my father reigned and he dictated a cruel rule. I often felt abused and emotionally tortured while growing up and perhaps its been one of those back handed hard won gifts, a super developed empathy towards others.
Why is it so very difficult for others to extend a hand in kindness for those who don't fit the average social norms? Its not fair to mark the two women at the table as unnaturally cruel, they do, indeed, represent the standard societal norm. The situation just struck me so very poignantly as it was the day after Christmas. The spirit of Christmas was already dead and gone for these two. The proverbial milk of human kindness soured. I'm not saying I'm better than everyone else. I'm just better than those two.
