The Ex needs to be X-ed

When does the "ex" become problematic? From a recent Facebook survey of friends, and my own personal thoughts, everyone wants to maintain a healthy, cordial relationship with the ex if there kids involved. Enough said. But when does the relationship with the ex become unhealthy or even detrimental? Its usually when one partner moves on and has a new partner.

Yes, I think we all can summon up one or two cases where we know families with kids who all do the holidays and birthday parties as one big , happy group, with the new partners involved. Very mature, right? Right. That said, its a rare man or woman who doesn't feel some sting of jealousy and resentment when faced, physically, with the ex. Ok, step up to the plate , suck it up and go forth. The matter can be further complicated if the ex now has children with the new partner. Divided loyalties. Lets face it , folks, its human nature to play the side you're on. Its trying to treat everyone fairly, especially if you are in the unfortunate situation of the new baby lives with you and the 'old babies' live with the ex. Feelings inevitably get hurt, there's only so much time (and money). Take a moment to ponder the divorce dynamics, was someone cheating, abusive,drug addicted? Thats going to create hard feelings that are going to have the ex and new partner 'teaming up' against the ex who was left. Not a pleasant scene around the extended family Thanksgiving table.

Why do people feel the need to include their exes in 'current family' situations? Is it not confusing for the kids to have mom and dad and mom's new husband all at the same table? If they are old enough where its not confusing then it HAS to be , at least, a bit uncomfortable for the kids. I'm not saying this won't ever work, that people can't adjust, but be REAL. Mom and Dad are d o n e. If the ex is friendly enough with the ex to want to share family holidays together, then maybe the divorce or parting should be reconsidered.

Now, moving on to the single folks. Apparently the relationship had enough 'fatal flaws' in it that it ended. So why keep up with the ex? Because you 'like them as a friend better than a partner'. Come on. This is so much bullshit and I will explain why. Remember the When Harry Met Sally movie? What does Harry say to Sally about male/female friendships? Men and women can't be friends because one of them always wants to have sex with the other. Right on, Harry. Now, my opinion on this is usually met with loud denouncements on how this just isn't true. Be reasonable. I'm not talking the kind of male/female friendship where its your best friend's husband who you chat with when you are calling his wife on the phone, the guys from work that you joke with around the water cooler, the "hey! how are ya?" stuff when you run into them at the store. I'm talking the get together , alone, for a meal or a drink, the phone calls to them and them alone, texting or emailing them on a 'friendly' basis. Anytime you do something with someone of the opposite, alone, for 'fun', there's an issue. Even the most firm defender of opposite sex friendships admitted to me that her male 'friends', if given the opportunity, would love to get in the sack with her. And some of them are married,, or 'otherwise engaged'. Would they actually do it if the opportunity came up? Probably. But if not, they would WANT to. Now, both parties don't have to feel the same. Many women have male friends that they truly would never sleep with. They want someone's shoulder to cry on, to make them feel desirable and intelligent. Here's the clinker, men do NOT have women friends they'd 'do anything for' unless they are physically attracted to them. Women may befriend unattractive men, but men will never go to such lengths as meeting for coffee or a drink with a woman they have absolutely no interest in bedding. Men,just as much as women, will say this is all b.s. but when you get them alone and make them tell the TRUTH, they will cop to it, too. Men,sadly, are not the same as women. They don't want to get together to discuss and analyze relationships and gossip. Unless they are your mate, its just not that interesting to them. Now, before you utter another "thats not true, Jeff and I are best friends and thats not how it is!", shut up and think about it for a minute. In your heart of hearts, deep down, would Jeff like to go to bed with you if the chance came up, where no one could possibly find out? See? thats what I meant.

If you are not in a current relationship, then its , again, human nature, to return in a friendly fashion to a past one if the parting was at all amicable. After all, its someone you have history with, they are familiar, you know them well. No harm done. But if its a man and he's willing to meet you in person, odds are he would be more than happy to meet you in the bedroom, too. Now, I'm sure I am going to hear from people who say I'm being too suspicious. Say what you want. Let me give you a couple real life cases in point.

I met a guy, he was great, we were really hitting it off. He casually mentioned he still spoke to his ex ON A DAILY BASIS, that when he was on the road (he was a trucker), his ex would go put his garbage out for him, and that she enjoyed dropping off the little tupperware containers of food he particularily enjoyed. Huh? Their only child was in his late teens and not living at home. He denied my allegations that 'something was going on'. It wasn't til some months later, long after we'd broke up, that he admitted he hadn't been 'over' his wife and was still yearning for her return.

Another guy always had to meet the ex at her house, or the local bar, to 'discuss the kids'. I asked why a phone call wouldn't do, or maybe even meeting at the coffee house. The kids, again,were teenagers. He would always get extremely defensive and tell me how paranoid I was. Do I even need to tell you the ending on that one? Lets just say, I wasn't being paranoid.

Character number three,the first night I met him, he said he'd always 'have a place in my heart' for his ex. A couple months later , that wasn't the only place he had for his ex.

Let me tell you, as the new partner, I was jealous to the point of being incensed at times when I would encounter these troubling situations. I was the NEW partner! Shouldn't MY needs and wants get SOME consideration? didn't he want to make ME happy and secure?

I've been around the block, several times. I have numerous girlfriends with very similar stories.

We all hope things end civilly and that everyone can 'still be friends'. But the odds are, they really can't. Not unless both parties truly don't care anymore and then if they don't care, they don't want to hang out together, anyway. I know there are variations to every theme, that sometimes , just sometimes, it IS possible for exes and new partners to get together socially and enjoy each other without the drama from the past, insecurities and jealousies surfacing,but really, whats the point? Our exes are our exes for a reason. Best to leave them in the past.

Fine and Flaxen

This is for all us women with fine hair. And lets be decent, and keep to the term 'fine', rather than 'thin'.

My hair has always been the bane of my existence. I might get compliments on my other features, but seldom, if ever, on my hair. I think the nicest thing anyone ever said was years and years ago when a friend's mom said "It looks so silky". Well, I don't want silky hair. I want thick, lustrous waves, not the poor, tired, limp strands my DNA spun out.

With fine hair, women always have to worry about the weather. Humid? Get out the industrial strength hairspray and spray til crunchy. Windy, follow the same only expect an even worse outcome. Nothing like helmet hair thats been wind whipped into some grotesque shape. Lovely to walk into the coffee shop wearing a toppled pyramid on your head. Very attractive.

Of course, you can always resort to a hat. You MIGHT be able to pull that one off in winter, in summer, fuggetaboutit. Also, with a hat, you have 'mystery hair', meaning its always a mystery how it will look once the hat is removed. Usually flattened as a pancake, hanging in limp, lifeless ,anemic strands.

We all know all the tips. Blow dry your hair upside down, use root lifter, spray at the roots, use thickening shampoo. Yes, they all work, for a few minutes. The best products to thicken up fine hair use some type of plasticky glue. Sometimes the bottles even proclaim themselves "hair glue". Listen up, ladies, they ain't lyin'! That stuff will hold your hair up but glue it so firm that it can take multiple shampoos, yep, you read that right, multiple shampoos to get out and expect to lose about a third of your hair in the process. You truly become 'un-glued' when you see whats going down the drain in the shower.

No haircut is ever going to really look right. Most hair dressers will push for the one length bob. Tried it a couple times, looked hideous, had to have layers cut in. Do not believe that old school thought, one length does NOT look better, you need various layers to try to attempt a little volume. Forget luscious shags or long hair. Fine hair doesn't have enough bulk to hold itself together and once much past the shoulders will only separate into strands or fizzle out into frizz.

Color will give you some oomph for awhile. And don't forget the mousse, without mousse, all is lost.

Seems like I look around and all I see are women with thick, glossy hair. My own daughter inherited her father's hair, its very hefty and thick, the kind of hair that makes hairdressers take a breath and clap when she walks into the salon. The kind of hair you can do anything with. I thank Goddess she didn't inherit my hair gene.

If I could change one thing about my appearance, it would be my hair. I think I will save up for extensions but then again, they will just give me more anxiety wondering and waiting for them to fall out, no doubt somewhere crowded, in full public view. Reading back over this, its just making me more depressed. I think I will just put my hair back in a scrunchie today and have a martini.

First, the Universe throws a Pebble

Why do some women constantly engage in bad, even downright shitty, relationships? Is it a self esteem issue? What makes an intelligent, attractive, relatively successful woman give a yr and a half of her life to an alcoholic?and then the next yr and a half to a commitment phobe? a savvy, rational woman committing to a relationship with a sex addict? and then join in his 'lifestyle'?, or a reasonable, otherwise insightful woman to move across the country to live with an alcoholic, drug troubled man she only knew from the Internet (and knew all his issues before she moved?)

I can answer only the first situation as I am that woman. What drew me to the alcoholic was first, his absolutely stunning good looks. Then his happy, innocent nature and the great sex. What I learned from that situation is that alcohol addiction is one of life's great tragedies, it sucks the life's blood from the user. I now believe in the "Demon Alcohol". I learned more about alcoholism than I ever wanted to..I have seen the bottle claim many good men (and women), and I have first hand experienced the soul crushing effects of being sucked into an alcoholic's spiraling vortex. My friends knew this guy, the Man of my Drams, was a loser. I defended him with the co-dependent's standard lines, i.e. "you don't know him, he's really a good hearted person" and even worse "but I love him and I don't give up on people I love". In retrospect, I see what a terrible fool I was. Its one thing to love the person, but with an alcoholic, the alcohol becomes the person . Its like some weird, alchemy takes place, the person before the alcohol disappears and there's this new , terrible morph in front of you. The Universe was throwing me pebbles all along, warnings, in the guise of questions and disapproval from my friends. And from myself. I knew deep down, this man was Trouble, with the capital T, yet I ignored these whisperings, these pebbles. What happened? The ante was upped, things got continually worse. The Universe needed to finally slap me upside the head. Finally, things reached such a disgusting and pathetic crescendo that I bailed on him. I gave up.

And moved on to the next.

The next guy was sort of my 'rebound'. I found him online, he lived a couple hours away from me. We talked on the phone and online, I found him caring, sweet, and flattering. We met in person and he was all of these. We started dating and soon enough, the pebbles started bouncing off me. I found myself driving the hours to see him every other wknd and he would drive down to see me, on occasion. Many of 'his' wknds, he couldn't make it, he said he was too tired, didn't feel well, didn't have the gas money, unexpectedly had his son for the wknd. I noticed he didn't call me half as much I called him, my texts to him went unreturned about half the time. I suspected him of picking phone fights with me some Saturday mornings to avoid having to make the trip.Fairly early on in the relationship, I checked his emails to find he was emailing with several women, calling them 'babe' ,signing his e's with xxxox. He'd wrote to one that "nothing in my life has changed in years and years". Why did I check his e's? Because the Universe (in this case represented by my gut feelings) was telling me, 'hey wait, something is wrong here'. When confronted, he was furious I'd hacked into his e's and said I'd misinterpreted everything I'd read. And I let it go. Later on, I looked at the history on his computer for the same reason. What did I find? Porn. Lots and lots of porn. I know all guys look at porn but that was ALL he had used his computer for in that wk. Acres and acres of porn.After a yr, I suggested I move in with as I was planning a move back to the Cities. He ,though professing to love me, told me he didn't think we were ready to take that step. That he needed his 'personal space'. Once again, my friends were shaking their heads. Telling me I deserved much better. than this. In despair, I went to a psychologist who advised me that he most likely wasn't going to change, I needed to decide if I could live with the way things were. In the end, I couldn't. I moved on my own back to the Cities, he refused to help me pack or move, was too busy. He made little to no effort to see me once I was moved, yet always responded affirmatively when I'd call HIM. Why in God's name did I stay with this guy? Why did the Universe have me go through all this? Because I didn't pay attention to the pebbles and then stones being thrown. Seems I have to be hit with a brick before I "get it".

I've deduced that I am , by nature, a caregiver. My life's work has been caring for others, in the mental health field, in the developmental disabilities field, volunteering for animal rescue groups...and I carried this over into my personal relationships. I champion the underdog, see the diamond in the rough. It took me many years to learn sometimes there's just the 'rough', there IS no diamond. People I would give of myself to just kept taking.. without giving in return. When I left the alcoholic , I even had NO MORE CHANCES tattooed on my arm, to forever remind me that people are not necessarily deserving of a gazillion chances. Chances to hurt me and take from me over and over and over again. Even the tattoo didn't stop me from my pattern of loving and rescuing lonely, dysfunctional men. It took me being hurt to the core by a combination of these sad men to understand why I was joining with them. When I looked back on my lifelong history of relationships with lovers, they all have been similar. Men who for one reason or another, had something very flawed with them. And my part was always to rescue. But they didn't want to be rescued!

I think many women have the 'need to please', to make things all better, even at our own detriment. We ignore the pebbles thrown away, won't listen to the sage wisdom of others,worse yet, we don't listen to OURSELVES. I knew these guys were 'bad medicine'. God knows, they themselves gave enough clues. Why did I ignore my gut feelings? Why are the other women, the ones I mentioned above, ignoring their gut feelings? Much as I hate to own up to it myself, its low self esteem. We think of ourselves, in our core, as not deserving. I think I am a reasonably attractive woman , I consider myself intelligent and insightful. A few yrs ago, I would have bristled if anyone told me I had low self esteem. But I did. I couldn't bring myself to believe that all my special loving care couldn't save someone who, deep down,didn't want to be saved. I couldn't give up the magical idea that I was the one who was going to make them stop drinking, or make them commit. If the relationship failed, I felt I failed. They were an addiction, a habit terribly difficult to break. There were so many warnings, from all over,that I denied, chose to ignore. It would have saved me much anguish had I heeded the pebbles. I've had to be hammered with bricks most of my life when it comes to love.

I feel like I am in a great relationship now. I found someone who loves me and puts back into the relationship instead of just constantly drawing out. I am still getting used to being in an equal partnership. Will it last? Only time will tell..sometimes the end of a relationship does not mean it was not a success. The relationship will have served a purpose and helped the participants to grow. Even good relationships have an expiration date. The important thing is to realize all relationships have an expiration date and to know when they've 'gone bad' and then to get rid of it. We all hope our relationships aren't over til 'death do us part' but that is usually more the dream than the reality. Don't ignore the pebbles.

Its a Beautiful Day

I am a life long student of the Universe. Its my nature to study and analyze all sorts of things, from human relationships to metaphysics to why most men list blue as their favorite color. I hope you will join me in my eccentric musings and possibly add some of your own. Stay with me and we will wander paths still untrodden, push back the veils of the yet unseen and go where few have gone before (or at least told about).

Let the journey begin...