How to be the Perfect Guest

How to be the Perfect Guest
After almost two months of hosting visitors, family and friends, I have a few words to the wise on how to be the perfect guest (from the host's standpoint).
A perfect guest arrives and departs when they say they will. No open ended "I'll be there sometime Tuesday", "I'll stay for a few days". Hosts don't need to sit around waiting for your arrival, or worse yet, silently wondering when their guests will leave, if ever...
Its so true, visitors, like fish,stink after 3 days. It all depends on the guest, some fit in your life so seamlessly that they truly would be welcome indefinitely. Others are trying after a few hours..If you've ever heard complaints from others regarding hosting particular people, believe them. They will behave no differently in your home.
A good guest either arrives or leaves with something for their host. It needn't be expensive, just thoughtful. A tablecloth, bottle of wine, box of truffles..something that is an appreciative token.
The good guest is polite about circumstances. If they share a room or bathroom, and the good host will have informed them of their accomodations well in advance, the good guest does not pout about sharing anything. They are appreciative of having free board and lodge, often in nicer surroundings than they have in their own homes. A good guest never makes a rude comment about their bed or room, although asking if additional blankets or pillows are available is acceptable. If something is amiss, its certainly appropriate to bring it to the attention of the host, the host does not want you to be uncomfortable.
The good host will ask guests well in advance if they have dietary requirements or any special/unusual requirements so that effort will be made to accomodate them. Don't for example, say you only eat organic when the truth is you do NOT, or that you are vegan if you enjoy grilled cheese sandwiches on a cold day, that you are allergic to cotton when the truth is most of your sweaters are made of it. Most guests have no clue the expense and time good hosts go through making sure their guest is comfortable.
If staying more than two days, its polite to either take the hosts out for a meal, once again, this needn't be expensive, even a happy hour with budget cocktails and a burger is acceptable. In lieu of that, offer to make a meal with ingredients YOU purchase. Inform your hosts preferably the evening before, or even earlier of your plans so that they don't purchase meal ingredients or make reservations for the meal you are taking charge of .
Sometimes hosts are being hospitable with charity in mind, they may know you have very limited resources, or its a special occasion,you are staying with them in honor of your own birthday or anniversary (and of course, THEY extended the invitation), something like that, and then the above rules don't apply. For example, my daughter and her new husband arrived to honeymoon in Oregon, of course I would not be expecting them to take us out for a meal.
A good guest is friendly and appropriate with any visitors you have in the home while they are there. If your host has a party or visitors to the home, you do not monopolize the conversation, bring up controversial matters or take  in any way an impolite stance with the other guests. The host probably has carefully planned the party or dinner and your well meaning intentions through things off balance and destroy thought out plans. Melting into the background, being polite, friendly and letting the host know in advance you are available to help if requested, is a good thing. The old saying 'too many cooks in the kitchen' is cliche for a reason.
If you have special practices, you enjoy running in the morning, meditating, going to a gym, etc., its polite to invite the hosts. If they refuse, do not press the issue. They are under enough stress with you just being there, let alone feeling pressured to do a 3 mile hike with you each day at six a.m.
Be unobtrusive. A perfect guest is invisible at times. Quiet in the morning and late evening. A perfect guest staying more than 2 days, knows to give the hosts a bit of alone time. Take a nap, go for a walk, read a book, let the hosts have a breather of an hour or so. The more guests in the home the more overwhelming. In this same vein, a good host will tell their guests to enjoy coffee, tea, toast, possibly set out some type of continental breakfast for their guests if its suspected the guests will be getting up earlier than the hosts.
A perfect guest doesn't take advantage. When out for a meal at the host's expense, they order moderately off the menu, unless the hosts have made it perfectly clear that anything goes.
A guest's pets are never acceptable in the host's home, unless, of course, the hosts have given their pre-approval. This is especially true if the host has pets of their own. Regarding pets, the good guest listens to the host's instructions with the family pets, i.e. "don't let the cat out",  "don't try to be friendly with the old dog, just leave her alone". Remember, to most of us, pets are family, and we take great offense when they aren't treated as we prefer.
When the perfect guest leaves, they make sure to wipe up the bathroom they've used, offer to deposit the linens in the laundry room or leave them (in a pile is acceptable) on floor or the bed. Don't make the bed on your last day, the host will just have to unmake it!, be sensible. Make sure you have be generous in your thanks to the hosts. A note later on, text or email is acceptable in this day and age, repeating your thanks is appropriate. Follow the above rules, and there is little doubt you will be reinvited, and frequently.

Evil Lay's Potato Chips

Has anyone caught the new Lay's Potato Chips commercial? They feature a beautiful 40ish brunette holding a bag of chips. She seems to be considering...she has a "I think I'm gonna be bad and cheat!"  look on her face before she throws caution to the winds and eats a chip. Her face then blossoms with that "Screw it! I'll do what I want!" look as she eats another. This infuriates me. Just another ploy to fuel America's anorexics. Let's making eat potato chips something scandalous, something only bad girls do...I'm not trying to suggest chips are in any way a healthy snack, but my god!, they shouldn't be a forbidden food! I hate how advertising makes anything with fat, anything with sugar a 'living on the edge' sort of food, its precisely this kind of thought that makes women stick their fingers down their throats and worship their bathroom scales. Women of the world unite, and buy a bag of Old Dutch! And enjoy!