The Ex needs to be X-ed

When does the "ex" become problematic? From a recent Facebook survey of friends, and my own personal thoughts, everyone wants to maintain a healthy, cordial relationship with the ex if there kids involved. Enough said. But when does the relationship with the ex become unhealthy or even detrimental? Its usually when one partner moves on and has a new partner.

Yes, I think we all can summon up one or two cases where we know families with kids who all do the holidays and birthday parties as one big , happy group, with the new partners involved. Very mature, right? Right. That said, its a rare man or woman who doesn't feel some sting of jealousy and resentment when faced, physically, with the ex. Ok, step up to the plate , suck it up and go forth. The matter can be further complicated if the ex now has children with the new partner. Divided loyalties. Lets face it , folks, its human nature to play the side you're on. Its trying to treat everyone fairly, especially if you are in the unfortunate situation of the new baby lives with you and the 'old babies' live with the ex. Feelings inevitably get hurt, there's only so much time (and money). Take a moment to ponder the divorce dynamics, was someone cheating, abusive,drug addicted? Thats going to create hard feelings that are going to have the ex and new partner 'teaming up' against the ex who was left. Not a pleasant scene around the extended family Thanksgiving table.

Why do people feel the need to include their exes in 'current family' situations? Is it not confusing for the kids to have mom and dad and mom's new husband all at the same table? If they are old enough where its not confusing then it HAS to be , at least, a bit uncomfortable for the kids. I'm not saying this won't ever work, that people can't adjust, but be REAL. Mom and Dad are d o n e. If the ex is friendly enough with the ex to want to share family holidays together, then maybe the divorce or parting should be reconsidered.

Now, moving on to the single folks. Apparently the relationship had enough 'fatal flaws' in it that it ended. So why keep up with the ex? Because you 'like them as a friend better than a partner'. Come on. This is so much bullshit and I will explain why. Remember the When Harry Met Sally movie? What does Harry say to Sally about male/female friendships? Men and women can't be friends because one of them always wants to have sex with the other. Right on, Harry. Now, my opinion on this is usually met with loud denouncements on how this just isn't true. Be reasonable. I'm not talking the kind of male/female friendship where its your best friend's husband who you chat with when you are calling his wife on the phone, the guys from work that you joke with around the water cooler, the "hey! how are ya?" stuff when you run into them at the store. I'm talking the get together , alone, for a meal or a drink, the phone calls to them and them alone, texting or emailing them on a 'friendly' basis. Anytime you do something with someone of the opposite, alone, for 'fun', there's an issue. Even the most firm defender of opposite sex friendships admitted to me that her male 'friends', if given the opportunity, would love to get in the sack with her. And some of them are married,, or 'otherwise engaged'. Would they actually do it if the opportunity came up? Probably. But if not, they would WANT to. Now, both parties don't have to feel the same. Many women have male friends that they truly would never sleep with. They want someone's shoulder to cry on, to make them feel desirable and intelligent. Here's the clinker, men do NOT have women friends they'd 'do anything for' unless they are physically attracted to them. Women may befriend unattractive men, but men will never go to such lengths as meeting for coffee or a drink with a woman they have absolutely no interest in bedding. Men,just as much as women, will say this is all b.s. but when you get them alone and make them tell the TRUTH, they will cop to it, too. Men,sadly, are not the same as women. They don't want to get together to discuss and analyze relationships and gossip. Unless they are your mate, its just not that interesting to them. Now, before you utter another "thats not true, Jeff and I are best friends and thats not how it is!", shut up and think about it for a minute. In your heart of hearts, deep down, would Jeff like to go to bed with you if the chance came up, where no one could possibly find out? See? thats what I meant.

If you are not in a current relationship, then its , again, human nature, to return in a friendly fashion to a past one if the parting was at all amicable. After all, its someone you have history with, they are familiar, you know them well. No harm done. But if its a man and he's willing to meet you in person, odds are he would be more than happy to meet you in the bedroom, too. Now, I'm sure I am going to hear from people who say I'm being too suspicious. Say what you want. Let me give you a couple real life cases in point.

I met a guy, he was great, we were really hitting it off. He casually mentioned he still spoke to his ex ON A DAILY BASIS, that when he was on the road (he was a trucker), his ex would go put his garbage out for him, and that she enjoyed dropping off the little tupperware containers of food he particularily enjoyed. Huh? Their only child was in his late teens and not living at home. He denied my allegations that 'something was going on'. It wasn't til some months later, long after we'd broke up, that he admitted he hadn't been 'over' his wife and was still yearning for her return.

Another guy always had to meet the ex at her house, or the local bar, to 'discuss the kids'. I asked why a phone call wouldn't do, or maybe even meeting at the coffee house. The kids, again,were teenagers. He would always get extremely defensive and tell me how paranoid I was. Do I even need to tell you the ending on that one? Lets just say, I wasn't being paranoid.

Character number three,the first night I met him, he said he'd always 'have a place in my heart' for his ex. A couple months later , that wasn't the only place he had for his ex.

Let me tell you, as the new partner, I was jealous to the point of being incensed at times when I would encounter these troubling situations. I was the NEW partner! Shouldn't MY needs and wants get SOME consideration? didn't he want to make ME happy and secure?

I've been around the block, several times. I have numerous girlfriends with very similar stories.

We all hope things end civilly and that everyone can 'still be friends'. But the odds are, they really can't. Not unless both parties truly don't care anymore and then if they don't care, they don't want to hang out together, anyway. I know there are variations to every theme, that sometimes , just sometimes, it IS possible for exes and new partners to get together socially and enjoy each other without the drama from the past, insecurities and jealousies surfacing,but really, whats the point? Our exes are our exes for a reason. Best to leave them in the past.