The Dangers of Working on Oneself Between Relationships

Often times, when a relationship ends badly, you will get well meaning advice from others to not go into another relationship soon, to 'take some time to work on yourself'. The first obvious issue, is how much time must one take off from being in a relationship? While obviously, none of us wants to be a 'rebounder', and I would really wonder about a guy who broke up with his girlfriend last week and now wants to see me steadily, really, just how much time should one be out of a relationship? Its the number one human need, to be connected, to have relationships. Yes, yes, we all have relationships with other family members and friends. You know what I'm talking about, an intimate, one to one significant other relationship. I asked a therapist once about his thoughts on staying out of a relationship after one has ended badly. Did he subscribe to the common theory that one must go into some type of self imposed exile while examining one's wrongdoings, relationship wise? He said " You say the most important thing to you in this world is having a good relationship. You seem to have insight on where things went wrong. The challenge is to change your thoughts on whats acceptable behavior from a man. If you can do that, it serves no useful purpose NOT to go about finding a new relationship". I was somewhat surprised to hear this as all my friends had been spewing the usual crapola about taking time off to work on myself. In retrospect, the women who'd been telling me this were unhappy themselves with the state of their relationships, if they even had one going on at the time. Misery loves company.

One of the women who was the strongest on this was (is) chronically unhappy...lives with a level of untreated depression. Has fantasized acquaintances into being soulmates and been bitterly disappointed when reality came into sharp focus. She has unrealistic expectations and has idealized romance. When she gets slapped to the ground (figuratively) by these men who can't possibly meet her expectations (after all, they're only human), she becomes angry and bitter and shuts down. Tells us all she is taking time to 'work on herself', isn't actively seeking a relationship. The sad thing is that all who know her know that she longs for a good relationship more than anything else in the world. By constantly working on herself, she is wasting precious years and effort. By effort, I mean that with all this 'time off', she never really seems to change much. Still fantasizes, still gets in inappropriate relationships.

Another woman claims she is happy alone and with her friends. However, once again, all her friends know she craves a steady, reliable love relationship. She acquired a common STD some years back, the kind that you live easily with but never goes away, and convinced herself that she is inherently unworthy, an outcast. She reinforced this idea by dating some men and told them all within the first couple dates about her condition. Very predictably, they dumped her. Instead of trying again, and this time waiting a couple months til the relationship was steady before divulging this information, she stays 'friends' with the ex who gave her the condition. She sees him on occasion, they are intimate. She's convinced herself thats good enough relationship for her.She is an attractive, intelligent, funny woman and its very sad to see her giving up her life's dream to be 'working on herself'. Her only male relationship with a guy who berates and belittles her, in general, treats her like shit, because he also has this STD and now she won't have to go through the discomfort of having to tell someone else she has it and risk rejection.

Another friend used to tell me periodically that she was taking time off from relationships when she grew tired of the antics of the guys she'd date. Later on, we'd find out that she'd been secretly still dating new men. She just knew she'd made such a big issue of it, telling us galpals repeatedly how she was tired of men, that she'd been too embarrassed to tell us she was, indeed, still dating. The shame issue. Didn't want us to know until she felt the relationship was on solid footing.

Bottom line. To take time out to work on one's own issues between relationships is fine, if you really need it. Then, I suggest you find a good therapist to work with. Do the work, don't just say you are. Everyone who knows you and cares about you will know what you're doing anyhow. Are you having revelations, getting insight? Or just wasting precious time-life is short- because someone , somewhere, maybe some book, said its wrong to go from relationship to relationship. But don't we all do that? Once again, its just the weird 'time' period. Does one wait a month after ending one relationship to date again? Six months? A year?

I don't want comments from those of you who want to argue the value of having relationships. If you don't want to be in a relationship, who cares? I don't. If you are truly happy alone, if you have tired of the search, thats your choice and I support it. But if you are taking time off to work on yourself-ARE you working on yourself? How long do you plan to be working on yourself? Will you be happy at the end of your life (and we never know how much time we have) if you haven't experienced a good relationship? Just take a minute to reflect, is it really working on yourself? or an excuse?