First, the Universe throws a Pebble

Why do some women constantly engage in bad, even downright shitty, relationships? Is it a self esteem issue? What makes an intelligent, attractive, relatively successful woman give a yr and a half of her life to an alcoholic?and then the next yr and a half to a commitment phobe? a savvy, rational woman committing to a relationship with a sex addict? and then join in his 'lifestyle'?, or a reasonable, otherwise insightful woman to move across the country to live with an alcoholic, drug troubled man she only knew from the Internet (and knew all his issues before she moved?)

I can answer only the first situation as I am that woman. What drew me to the alcoholic was first, his absolutely stunning good looks. Then his happy, innocent nature and the great sex. What I learned from that situation is that alcohol addiction is one of life's great tragedies, it sucks the life's blood from the user. I now believe in the "Demon Alcohol". I learned more about alcoholism than I ever wanted to..I have seen the bottle claim many good men (and women), and I have first hand experienced the soul crushing effects of being sucked into an alcoholic's spiraling vortex. My friends knew this guy, the Man of my Drams, was a loser. I defended him with the co-dependent's standard lines, i.e. "you don't know him, he's really a good hearted person" and even worse "but I love him and I don't give up on people I love". In retrospect, I see what a terrible fool I was. Its one thing to love the person, but with an alcoholic, the alcohol becomes the person . Its like some weird, alchemy takes place, the person before the alcohol disappears and there's this new , terrible morph in front of you. The Universe was throwing me pebbles all along, warnings, in the guise of questions and disapproval from my friends. And from myself. I knew deep down, this man was Trouble, with the capital T, yet I ignored these whisperings, these pebbles. What happened? The ante was upped, things got continually worse. The Universe needed to finally slap me upside the head. Finally, things reached such a disgusting and pathetic crescendo that I bailed on him. I gave up.

And moved on to the next.

The next guy was sort of my 'rebound'. I found him online, he lived a couple hours away from me. We talked on the phone and online, I found him caring, sweet, and flattering. We met in person and he was all of these. We started dating and soon enough, the pebbles started bouncing off me. I found myself driving the hours to see him every other wknd and he would drive down to see me, on occasion. Many of 'his' wknds, he couldn't make it, he said he was too tired, didn't feel well, didn't have the gas money, unexpectedly had his son for the wknd. I noticed he didn't call me half as much I called him, my texts to him went unreturned about half the time. I suspected him of picking phone fights with me some Saturday mornings to avoid having to make the trip.Fairly early on in the relationship, I checked his emails to find he was emailing with several women, calling them 'babe' ,signing his e's with xxxox. He'd wrote to one that "nothing in my life has changed in years and years". Why did I check his e's? Because the Universe (in this case represented by my gut feelings) was telling me, 'hey wait, something is wrong here'. When confronted, he was furious I'd hacked into his e's and said I'd misinterpreted everything I'd read. And I let it go. Later on, I looked at the history on his computer for the same reason. What did I find? Porn. Lots and lots of porn. I know all guys look at porn but that was ALL he had used his computer for in that wk. Acres and acres of porn.After a yr, I suggested I move in with as I was planning a move back to the Cities. He ,though professing to love me, told me he didn't think we were ready to take that step. That he needed his 'personal space'. Once again, my friends were shaking their heads. Telling me I deserved much better. than this. In despair, I went to a psychologist who advised me that he most likely wasn't going to change, I needed to decide if I could live with the way things were. In the end, I couldn't. I moved on my own back to the Cities, he refused to help me pack or move, was too busy. He made little to no effort to see me once I was moved, yet always responded affirmatively when I'd call HIM. Why in God's name did I stay with this guy? Why did the Universe have me go through all this? Because I didn't pay attention to the pebbles and then stones being thrown. Seems I have to be hit with a brick before I "get it".

I've deduced that I am , by nature, a caregiver. My life's work has been caring for others, in the mental health field, in the developmental disabilities field, volunteering for animal rescue groups...and I carried this over into my personal relationships. I champion the underdog, see the diamond in the rough. It took me many years to learn sometimes there's just the 'rough', there IS no diamond. People I would give of myself to just kept taking.. without giving in return. When I left the alcoholic , I even had NO MORE CHANCES tattooed on my arm, to forever remind me that people are not necessarily deserving of a gazillion chances. Chances to hurt me and take from me over and over and over again. Even the tattoo didn't stop me from my pattern of loving and rescuing lonely, dysfunctional men. It took me being hurt to the core by a combination of these sad men to understand why I was joining with them. When I looked back on my lifelong history of relationships with lovers, they all have been similar. Men who for one reason or another, had something very flawed with them. And my part was always to rescue. But they didn't want to be rescued!

I think many women have the 'need to please', to make things all better, even at our own detriment. We ignore the pebbles thrown away, won't listen to the sage wisdom of others,worse yet, we don't listen to OURSELVES. I knew these guys were 'bad medicine'. God knows, they themselves gave enough clues. Why did I ignore my gut feelings? Why are the other women, the ones I mentioned above, ignoring their gut feelings? Much as I hate to own up to it myself, its low self esteem. We think of ourselves, in our core, as not deserving. I think I am a reasonably attractive woman , I consider myself intelligent and insightful. A few yrs ago, I would have bristled if anyone told me I had low self esteem. But I did. I couldn't bring myself to believe that all my special loving care couldn't save someone who, deep down,didn't want to be saved. I couldn't give up the magical idea that I was the one who was going to make them stop drinking, or make them commit. If the relationship failed, I felt I failed. They were an addiction, a habit terribly difficult to break. There were so many warnings, from all over,that I denied, chose to ignore. It would have saved me much anguish had I heeded the pebbles. I've had to be hammered with bricks most of my life when it comes to love.

I feel like I am in a great relationship now. I found someone who loves me and puts back into the relationship instead of just constantly drawing out. I am still getting used to being in an equal partnership. Will it last? Only time will tell..sometimes the end of a relationship does not mean it was not a success. The relationship will have served a purpose and helped the participants to grow. Even good relationships have an expiration date. The important thing is to realize all relationships have an expiration date and to know when they've 'gone bad' and then to get rid of it. We all hope our relationships aren't over til 'death do us part' but that is usually more the dream than the reality. Don't ignore the pebbles.