To Look Old or...?

Interesting question-better to 'look old' or look younger, yet artificial?
Bruce Jenner comes to mind, the poor guy has been so face lifted he resembles a recovered burn victim.. The gorgeous Kyra Sedgewick recently appeared on the cover of a magazine looking , at the very least, seriously botoxed. The accompanying article claims she is a big believer in 'heavy moisturizing'. Uh huh. Its so darn easy to see who has been injected and lifted. So..better to age naturally or delay the process and look artificial?

How to be the Perfect Guest

How to be the Perfect Guest
After almost two months of hosting visitors, family and friends, I have a few words to the wise on how to be the perfect guest (from the host's standpoint).
A perfect guest arrives and departs when they say they will. No open ended "I'll be there sometime Tuesday", "I'll stay for a few days". Hosts don't need to sit around waiting for your arrival, or worse yet, silently wondering when their guests will leave, if ever...
Its so true, visitors, like fish,stink after 3 days. It all depends on the guest, some fit in your life so seamlessly that they truly would be welcome indefinitely. Others are trying after a few hours..If you've ever heard complaints from others regarding hosting particular people, believe them. They will behave no differently in your home.
A good guest either arrives or leaves with something for their host. It needn't be expensive, just thoughtful. A tablecloth, bottle of wine, box of truffles..something that is an appreciative token.
The good guest is polite about circumstances. If they share a room or bathroom, and the good host will have informed them of their accomodations well in advance, the good guest does not pout about sharing anything. They are appreciative of having free board and lodge, often in nicer surroundings than they have in their own homes. A good guest never makes a rude comment about their bed or room, although asking if additional blankets or pillows are available is acceptable. If something is amiss, its certainly appropriate to bring it to the attention of the host, the host does not want you to be uncomfortable.
The good host will ask guests well in advance if they have dietary requirements or any special/unusual requirements so that effort will be made to accomodate them. Don't for example, say you only eat organic when the truth is you do NOT, or that you are vegan if you enjoy grilled cheese sandwiches on a cold day, that you are allergic to cotton when the truth is most of your sweaters are made of it. Most guests have no clue the expense and time good hosts go through making sure their guest is comfortable.
If staying more than two days, its polite to either take the hosts out for a meal, once again, this needn't be expensive, even a happy hour with budget cocktails and a burger is acceptable. In lieu of that, offer to make a meal with ingredients YOU purchase. Inform your hosts preferably the evening before, or even earlier of your plans so that they don't purchase meal ingredients or make reservations for the meal you are taking charge of .
Sometimes hosts are being hospitable with charity in mind, they may know you have very limited resources, or its a special occasion,you are staying with them in honor of your own birthday or anniversary (and of course, THEY extended the invitation), something like that, and then the above rules don't apply. For example, my daughter and her new husband arrived to honeymoon in Oregon, of course I would not be expecting them to take us out for a meal.
A good guest is friendly and appropriate with any visitors you have in the home while they are there. If your host has a party or visitors to the home, you do not monopolize the conversation, bring up controversial matters or take  in any way an impolite stance with the other guests. The host probably has carefully planned the party or dinner and your well meaning intentions through things off balance and destroy thought out plans. Melting into the background, being polite, friendly and letting the host know in advance you are available to help if requested, is a good thing. The old saying 'too many cooks in the kitchen' is cliche for a reason.
If you have special practices, you enjoy running in the morning, meditating, going to a gym, etc., its polite to invite the hosts. If they refuse, do not press the issue. They are under enough stress with you just being there, let alone feeling pressured to do a 3 mile hike with you each day at six a.m.
Be unobtrusive. A perfect guest is invisible at times. Quiet in the morning and late evening. A perfect guest staying more than 2 days, knows to give the hosts a bit of alone time. Take a nap, go for a walk, read a book, let the hosts have a breather of an hour or so. The more guests in the home the more overwhelming. In this same vein, a good host will tell their guests to enjoy coffee, tea, toast, possibly set out some type of continental breakfast for their guests if its suspected the guests will be getting up earlier than the hosts.
A perfect guest doesn't take advantage. When out for a meal at the host's expense, they order moderately off the menu, unless the hosts have made it perfectly clear that anything goes.
A guest's pets are never acceptable in the host's home, unless, of course, the hosts have given their pre-approval. This is especially true if the host has pets of their own. Regarding pets, the good guest listens to the host's instructions with the family pets, i.e. "don't let the cat out",  "don't try to be friendly with the old dog, just leave her alone". Remember, to most of us, pets are family, and we take great offense when they aren't treated as we prefer.
When the perfect guest leaves, they make sure to wipe up the bathroom they've used, offer to deposit the linens in the laundry room or leave them (in a pile is acceptable) on floor or the bed. Don't make the bed on your last day, the host will just have to unmake it!, be sensible. Make sure you have be generous in your thanks to the hosts. A note later on, text or email is acceptable in this day and age, repeating your thanks is appropriate. Follow the above rules, and there is little doubt you will be reinvited, and frequently.

Evil Lay's Potato Chips

Has anyone caught the new Lay's Potato Chips commercial? They feature a beautiful 40ish brunette holding a bag of chips. She seems to be considering...she has a "I think I'm gonna be bad and cheat!"  look on her face before she throws caution to the winds and eats a chip. Her face then blossoms with that "Screw it! I'll do what I want!" look as she eats another. This infuriates me. Just another ploy to fuel America's anorexics. Let's making eat potato chips something scandalous, something only bad girls do...I'm not trying to suggest chips are in any way a healthy snack, but my god!, they shouldn't be a forbidden food! I hate how advertising makes anything with fat, anything with sugar a 'living on the edge' sort of food, its precisely this kind of thought that makes women stick their fingers down their throats and worship their bathroom scales. Women of the world unite, and buy a bag of Old Dutch! And enjoy!

Chico's and the Tampon Girl

Remember back in the 70s, where there were all those ads for Modess and Kotex on tv? The models in the ads were always these very wholesome looking, blonde teenagers, usually bouncing on a trampoline or doing some type of gymnastics to demonstrate how their periods weren't going to curtail them from bouncy fun. The activities coupled with the 'girl next door-only better, more popular' models always had this weird element of cheesiness to them. Sort of made you cringe in a grossed out way. My friends and I always scornfully referred to them as "tampon girls'. Well, thats the way the Chico's ads strike me. Chico's, for those two of you left on the planet who don't know, is an upscale spendy clothing line for the trendy late 40s-60 yr old woman. A woman who still wants to look cool but not like a total idiot.I have no beef with the clothing. If I made a hundred thousand a year, I'd probably shop there myself. My issue is with their model. She's a dark haired beauty, looks to be about 50, always with this big botoxed smile on her face. She is forever prancing around in the ads, shaking her booty...she does absolutely nothing for their image. She's like some weird Stepford wife on steroids. I just watched their latest ad where at the end, they just show her doing some ridiculous little dance, in short, looking like a complete ass. Why don't they show her doing something badass, like drinking a martini, riding a motorcycle, walking down the street with some young arm candy? She is nothing but a menopausal Tampon girl.

PETA-whats it all about?

This is for all the -ssholes who ever put down PETA...just got back from their website where about three times a year I grow enough balls to actually watch some of their videos from their undercover operations. Before another one of you yahoos starts spouting off about PETA, I dare you to do the same, watch some of the videos. They are not 'faked', they are cold, hard and REAL. Just watched one on the goings on at an animal research lab, where animals are used to 'test' toxic substances. I won't even write here what I saw, however I will congratulate myself on being brave enough, having enough balls to watch these videos. Ok, I confess, I was so angry and sad that I turned it off halfway through. The really sickening part is that this shit goes on every frickin' day all over the world in laboratories,slaughterhouses, all those places that use animals that you can't walk into...Why do you think slaughterhouses don't give tours? Why do you think labs are locked up tighter than most prisons?

I don't want to hear your pansy ass comments on how we need to test on animals. How medical research has moved along at an amazing pace that would be impossible without animals. The reason animals shouldn't be used is simple. Because decent treatment of them cannot be assured. Ok, get that? Read it again. What the -uck right do we have to torture them (and get it straight, bucko, research is torture) and treat them like they have no feelings or can't feel pain? Oh sure, there are pathetic laboratory standards and procedures and protocols in place to 'make sure' they don't 'suffer more than is necessary'. But unfortunately the people who take care of these animals, and test on them, don't give a rip as these videos show. Animal work brings out the best people-and the worst. The people shown in these videos are sadistic mofoes who deserve to be treated exactly as they've treated the animals left in their 'care'. Why not let prisoners on death row opt to take place in medical research to stave off their execution? If they survive one research study, they can opt for another...why waste time testing cancer drugs on rats and not cut to the chase and use 'em on a human? Let somebody attempt to repay society in some meaningful way instead of spending tax dollars rotting in prison and maybe getting fried at the end of it all.

And all of us meat eaters better -uckin' think twice. Do you really want to go to your grave knowing the hideous abuses suffered by the other beings that share our planet just so you can get some cheap chicken mcnuggets? Lets at least KNOW where our food comes from and if we have to eat meat, pay extra and get the free range, no anti biotics, butchered on the farm kind instead of the stuff that eats poison on the feedlots, is crammed into teeny weenie cages, never gets to feel sunlight or grass... I will never forget the sight of a truck loaded with turkeys zipping along the highway in southern Mn one freezing winter day. The wind chill was easily minus 30 and the turkeys were exposed, all crammed together. I wonder how many froze to death on their way to slaughter? how many were alive but frozen to the truck and had limbs ripped off their still living bodies when the truck stopped...I'm gettin' closer to veganism every day. I am not sure how a thinking human can't consider this way of eating and why they wouldn't...for me , its pure selfishness, meat can taste good and its cheap and easy to get, I grew up eating it. But maybe its time to grow up and quit thinking of my own hedonistic wants. How many of you have a dog? a cat that you love? what makes you think a turkey or a pig is different? That because they are 'farm' animals they magically don't feel pain , fright, that they don't suffer? We all have hypnotized ourselves into blocking this out. I have NEVER found a meat eater that had a good argument for eating meat , they all get defensive and it ends up their argument is because they CAN. Pathetic.

If you dare, ya big wuss, go to PETA.org and watch a few of their videos. I dare ya.

The Dangers of Working on Oneself Between Relationships

Often times, when a relationship ends badly, you will get well meaning advice from others to not go into another relationship soon, to 'take some time to work on yourself'. The first obvious issue, is how much time must one take off from being in a relationship? While obviously, none of us wants to be a 'rebounder', and I would really wonder about a guy who broke up with his girlfriend last week and now wants to see me steadily, really, just how much time should one be out of a relationship? Its the number one human need, to be connected, to have relationships. Yes, yes, we all have relationships with other family members and friends. You know what I'm talking about, an intimate, one to one significant other relationship. I asked a therapist once about his thoughts on staying out of a relationship after one has ended badly. Did he subscribe to the common theory that one must go into some type of self imposed exile while examining one's wrongdoings, relationship wise? He said " You say the most important thing to you in this world is having a good relationship. You seem to have insight on where things went wrong. The challenge is to change your thoughts on whats acceptable behavior from a man. If you can do that, it serves no useful purpose NOT to go about finding a new relationship". I was somewhat surprised to hear this as all my friends had been spewing the usual crapola about taking time off to work on myself. In retrospect, the women who'd been telling me this were unhappy themselves with the state of their relationships, if they even had one going on at the time. Misery loves company.

One of the women who was the strongest on this was (is) chronically unhappy...lives with a level of untreated depression. Has fantasized acquaintances into being soulmates and been bitterly disappointed when reality came into sharp focus. She has unrealistic expectations and has idealized romance. When she gets slapped to the ground (figuratively) by these men who can't possibly meet her expectations (after all, they're only human), she becomes angry and bitter and shuts down. Tells us all she is taking time to 'work on herself', isn't actively seeking a relationship. The sad thing is that all who know her know that she longs for a good relationship more than anything else in the world. By constantly working on herself, she is wasting precious years and effort. By effort, I mean that with all this 'time off', she never really seems to change much. Still fantasizes, still gets in inappropriate relationships.

Another woman claims she is happy alone and with her friends. However, once again, all her friends know she craves a steady, reliable love relationship. She acquired a common STD some years back, the kind that you live easily with but never goes away, and convinced herself that she is inherently unworthy, an outcast. She reinforced this idea by dating some men and told them all within the first couple dates about her condition. Very predictably, they dumped her. Instead of trying again, and this time waiting a couple months til the relationship was steady before divulging this information, she stays 'friends' with the ex who gave her the condition. She sees him on occasion, they are intimate. She's convinced herself thats good enough relationship for her.She is an attractive, intelligent, funny woman and its very sad to see her giving up her life's dream to be 'working on herself'. Her only male relationship with a guy who berates and belittles her, in general, treats her like shit, because he also has this STD and now she won't have to go through the discomfort of having to tell someone else she has it and risk rejection.

Another friend used to tell me periodically that she was taking time off from relationships when she grew tired of the antics of the guys she'd date. Later on, we'd find out that she'd been secretly still dating new men. She just knew she'd made such a big issue of it, telling us galpals repeatedly how she was tired of men, that she'd been too embarrassed to tell us she was, indeed, still dating. The shame issue. Didn't want us to know until she felt the relationship was on solid footing.

Bottom line. To take time out to work on one's own issues between relationships is fine, if you really need it. Then, I suggest you find a good therapist to work with. Do the work, don't just say you are. Everyone who knows you and cares about you will know what you're doing anyhow. Are you having revelations, getting insight? Or just wasting precious time-life is short- because someone , somewhere, maybe some book, said its wrong to go from relationship to relationship. But don't we all do that? Once again, its just the weird 'time' period. Does one wait a month after ending one relationship to date again? Six months? A year?

I don't want comments from those of you who want to argue the value of having relationships. If you don't want to be in a relationship, who cares? I don't. If you are truly happy alone, if you have tired of the search, thats your choice and I support it. But if you are taking time off to work on yourself-ARE you working on yourself? How long do you plan to be working on yourself? Will you be happy at the end of your life (and we never know how much time we have) if you haven't experienced a good relationship? Just take a minute to reflect, is it really working on yourself? or an excuse?

The Ex needs to be X-ed

When does the "ex" become problematic? From a recent Facebook survey of friends, and my own personal thoughts, everyone wants to maintain a healthy, cordial relationship with the ex if there kids involved. Enough said. But when does the relationship with the ex become unhealthy or even detrimental? Its usually when one partner moves on and has a new partner.

Yes, I think we all can summon up one or two cases where we know families with kids who all do the holidays and birthday parties as one big , happy group, with the new partners involved. Very mature, right? Right. That said, its a rare man or woman who doesn't feel some sting of jealousy and resentment when faced, physically, with the ex. Ok, step up to the plate , suck it up and go forth. The matter can be further complicated if the ex now has children with the new partner. Divided loyalties. Lets face it , folks, its human nature to play the side you're on. Its trying to treat everyone fairly, especially if you are in the unfortunate situation of the new baby lives with you and the 'old babies' live with the ex. Feelings inevitably get hurt, there's only so much time (and money). Take a moment to ponder the divorce dynamics, was someone cheating, abusive,drug addicted? Thats going to create hard feelings that are going to have the ex and new partner 'teaming up' against the ex who was left. Not a pleasant scene around the extended family Thanksgiving table.

Why do people feel the need to include their exes in 'current family' situations? Is it not confusing for the kids to have mom and dad and mom's new husband all at the same table? If they are old enough where its not confusing then it HAS to be , at least, a bit uncomfortable for the kids. I'm not saying this won't ever work, that people can't adjust, but be REAL. Mom and Dad are d o n e. If the ex is friendly enough with the ex to want to share family holidays together, then maybe the divorce or parting should be reconsidered.

Now, moving on to the single folks. Apparently the relationship had enough 'fatal flaws' in it that it ended. So why keep up with the ex? Because you 'like them as a friend better than a partner'. Come on. This is so much bullshit and I will explain why. Remember the When Harry Met Sally movie? What does Harry say to Sally about male/female friendships? Men and women can't be friends because one of them always wants to have sex with the other. Right on, Harry. Now, my opinion on this is usually met with loud denouncements on how this just isn't true. Be reasonable. I'm not talking the kind of male/female friendship where its your best friend's husband who you chat with when you are calling his wife on the phone, the guys from work that you joke with around the water cooler, the "hey! how are ya?" stuff when you run into them at the store. I'm talking the get together , alone, for a meal or a drink, the phone calls to them and them alone, texting or emailing them on a 'friendly' basis. Anytime you do something with someone of the opposite, alone, for 'fun', there's an issue. Even the most firm defender of opposite sex friendships admitted to me that her male 'friends', if given the opportunity, would love to get in the sack with her. And some of them are married,, or 'otherwise engaged'. Would they actually do it if the opportunity came up? Probably. But if not, they would WANT to. Now, both parties don't have to feel the same. Many women have male friends that they truly would never sleep with. They want someone's shoulder to cry on, to make them feel desirable and intelligent. Here's the clinker, men do NOT have women friends they'd 'do anything for' unless they are physically attracted to them. Women may befriend unattractive men, but men will never go to such lengths as meeting for coffee or a drink with a woman they have absolutely no interest in bedding. Men,just as much as women, will say this is all b.s. but when you get them alone and make them tell the TRUTH, they will cop to it, too. Men,sadly, are not the same as women. They don't want to get together to discuss and analyze relationships and gossip. Unless they are your mate, its just not that interesting to them. Now, before you utter another "thats not true, Jeff and I are best friends and thats not how it is!", shut up and think about it for a minute. In your heart of hearts, deep down, would Jeff like to go to bed with you if the chance came up, where no one could possibly find out? See? thats what I meant.

If you are not in a current relationship, then its , again, human nature, to return in a friendly fashion to a past one if the parting was at all amicable. After all, its someone you have history with, they are familiar, you know them well. No harm done. But if its a man and he's willing to meet you in person, odds are he would be more than happy to meet you in the bedroom, too. Now, I'm sure I am going to hear from people who say I'm being too suspicious. Say what you want. Let me give you a couple real life cases in point.

I met a guy, he was great, we were really hitting it off. He casually mentioned he still spoke to his ex ON A DAILY BASIS, that when he was on the road (he was a trucker), his ex would go put his garbage out for him, and that she enjoyed dropping off the little tupperware containers of food he particularily enjoyed. Huh? Their only child was in his late teens and not living at home. He denied my allegations that 'something was going on'. It wasn't til some months later, long after we'd broke up, that he admitted he hadn't been 'over' his wife and was still yearning for her return.

Another guy always had to meet the ex at her house, or the local bar, to 'discuss the kids'. I asked why a phone call wouldn't do, or maybe even meeting at the coffee house. The kids, again,were teenagers. He would always get extremely defensive and tell me how paranoid I was. Do I even need to tell you the ending on that one? Lets just say, I wasn't being paranoid.

Character number three,the first night I met him, he said he'd always 'have a place in my heart' for his ex. A couple months later , that wasn't the only place he had for his ex.

Let me tell you, as the new partner, I was jealous to the point of being incensed at times when I would encounter these troubling situations. I was the NEW partner! Shouldn't MY needs and wants get SOME consideration? didn't he want to make ME happy and secure?

I've been around the block, several times. I have numerous girlfriends with very similar stories.

We all hope things end civilly and that everyone can 'still be friends'. But the odds are, they really can't. Not unless both parties truly don't care anymore and then if they don't care, they don't want to hang out together, anyway. I know there are variations to every theme, that sometimes , just sometimes, it IS possible for exes and new partners to get together socially and enjoy each other without the drama from the past, insecurities and jealousies surfacing,but really, whats the point? Our exes are our exes for a reason. Best to leave them in the past.